Thoughts on Self-Worth

SELF-WORTH: REBUILDING FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Maybe it’s my bias or projection, but self-worth seems to be the silent struggle I see too many men fighting. And in my experience, it’s not a battle to be won — it’s a path to be walked, with curiosity, courage, and love.

For most of my life, my worth was borrowed — something to be earned through competence, acceptance, and achievement.
If I knew more, I was safe.
If I could just keep them happy, I was accepted.
And if I performed — if I won — then my place in this world was validated, for the moment.

And for 31 years, it worked — until it didn’t.

Soccer was my identity, my place in the world, and one of the main places I sourced my worth. In my fourth season coaching NCAA men’s soccer (after three disappointing and troubling seasons before), we were on a four-game losing streak. My sense of worth in the world began to erode, and my subconscious kicked in to protect, to defend.

The same pattern that ruled my inner world started shaping the team’s outer one.
I retreated into defense — literally.
We lined up in a 5-4-1. Park the bus. Protect the goal at all costs.
Do anything — just don’t lose.

We won that night. After the game, one of my players smiled and said, “Coach, you look so happy.”
I told him, “Because I won.”
He paused, looked at me, and said, “You mean we won.”

Something cracked open in me that night.
My life had been lived in lockdown — safe, defensive, disconnected.
And that there was a long road ahead.

That was the start of my unraveling — and my rebuilding.

Over the last five years, I’ve been unearthing and replanting the beliefs that shaped my life. What I’ve learned is this: you can’t outthink or outrun your core beliefs. They’re not switches — they’re highways. Deep, well-worn routes your nervous system travels automatically.

You can’t bulldoze them overnight, but you can slow the traffic.
You can build new roads — new beliefs, new actions.
And the more often you take them, the deeper the groove becomes.

That’s the real work. And for me, it’s life’s work — building the awareness to identify when these beliefs are activated, learning to pause, and acting in alignment with the intentional beliefs that shape my future.

The Three Sources of Self-Worth

Through all this, I’ve come to believe there are three core sources of worth:

1. Universal Worth — the unconditional love and belonging we’re born with. Our birthright.
2. Internal Worth — the self-respect we build by living in alignment with who we truly are.
3. External Worth — the borrowed validation we chase through achievement, approval, and acceptance.

If we’re lucky, we get the first two early on — initially from our primary caregivers, and later reinforced through faith, community, or spirituality.

But in the absence of those, we default to the third.
We chase performance, praise, and people to fill the gaps.
We become whoever the world teaches us to be in order to feel safe, worthy, and loved.

And when that works, life feels good — but it’s always temporary, always conditional.
When it doesn’t, every misstep can feel like death.

Practicing Awareness

These days, when those old beliefs surface, I have tools.

I use consistent mindfulness practices — meditation and journaling — to frontload my ability to identify sensations in my body and thoughts in my mind.
I use therapy and my men’s group to better understand myself and learn how to relate.

These give me the skill set to recognize when those old, well-worn beliefs get activated, how to relate to them, and how to act from a place of conscious leadership rather than subconscious reaction.

In the moment I become aware:
I use breath to drop back into my body.
I listen to what those parts of me are saying.
I validate their fears, their worries, their need to protect me.

Then I step in as their leader — the conscious one — and act in alignment with my updated beliefs:
That I do belong.
That I am worthy.
That I am loved.

Not for what I know.
Not for what I give.
Not for what I do.

But because I have this in-breath and this out-breath.
Because when I breathe, I am in purpose.
I am in reciprocity and service to the cycle of life.
And when I act in alignment with my truth, I become someone I admire, respect, and appreciate.
I don’t abandon myself — I strengthen myself.

Reclaiming self-worth isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about shedding who the world conditioned you to be — and creating the space to step into who you were always meant to become.

If you’re a man struggling with self-worth, I see you.
Remember: this isn’t a battle to be won.
It’s a path to be walked.

And the best next step you can take might be finding support — through therapy, men’s groups, or simply sitting down with a journal to explore this new insight.

I’m five years in.
And while the road is long, I can tell you — it’s worth it.